Our first two biological children were born with blue eyes. Not shocking given that 3 of 4 grandparents have them. When Micah, our third, was born with deep brown eyes, we felt general parental pride in the beauty of our child, but we did not think much about it. However, as we began this journey of adoption, we realized that while this child born in Ethiopia will not look like mom and dad in most respects, he or she will share one special trait with their brother, two of our children will have brown eyes.
Thinking about adopting a child from a different racial background has been one more area of much thought and prayer in this process. On the one hand, adopting a child from another culture
immediately solves the question of whether or not this child will know they are
adopted. Becky and I don’t look Ethiopian. Our child will very quickly know
they don’t look like mom and dad. In some ways, that can be great. Adoption will always be an
obvious part of his or her story.
On the other hand, becoming a multi-racial family is kind of
a big deal. Both Becky and I have backgrounds in social science and have read a number of books on race and identity. Race still plays a big role in North American society. We already have many friends from all over the world. We love going to the grocery store and hearing five to six languages and the rich multi-cultural environment in which we live. In some respects, we are well prepared.
But, there are things a couple of white, middle class suburbanites have never known first hand. I mentioned in the last blog, that my wife hooked me on the show Parenthood. Among the several story lines that hit close to home, one is about a mutli-racial family. In one episode, the white father attempts to explain the use of certain racial terms to his young son. His wife, who is black, does not think his explanation was good enough because, as a white male, he doesn’t "get it". I remember thinking that night, that is going to be our life soon. There are things my child will experience that I will never "get". There are dynamics of a racialized society that I have never had to face. That reality will now be a part of our family life.
But, there are things a couple of white, middle class suburbanites have never known first hand. I mentioned in the last blog, that my wife hooked me on the show Parenthood. Among the several story lines that hit close to home, one is about a mutli-racial family. In one episode, the white father attempts to explain the use of certain racial terms to his young son. His wife, who is black, does not think his explanation was good enough because, as a white male, he doesn’t "get it". I remember thinking that night, that is going to be our life soon. There are things my child will experience that I will never "get". There are dynamics of a racialized society that I have never had to face. That reality will now be a part of our family life.
Most of the things that will happen will be out of
(well-intended?) ignorance. There will be the moment when a parent on the
playground can’t believe a mother would let their child play all alone, not
realizing Becky is right there, watching our Ethiopian child. There will be looks of surprise when we come
to pick up the little boy or girl with the dark skin from school, church or childcare. The boys will be asked if that is their sister or brother - or where there "real" brothers are (as if an adopted child is somehow make believe). Simple
things like getting haircuts and lotions will undoubtedly stretch our experience. At some point,
there will very likely be some much uglier things that are said or will happen as well. That is life in a fallen world.
Thorough adoption, we are becoming a multi-racial family. It is
the reality for all (soon to be) six of
us. There will be fun and hilarious moments. There will be challenging moments.
There will be sad and ugly moments. We will strive to walk through them all with grace.
We are hungry to learn from the experiences of others about racial identity. A friend from our kids’ school wrote her dissertation on racial identity in kids. I have warned her that I will be asking questions. I'm grateful for children's books on adoption that recognize the reality of multi-racial families. I'm thankful that we have friends from all over the world. I'm thankful we have friends who have multi-racial families. What a blessing that our child will look around and see other families that look like theirs.
I am grateful as well for the chance to talk about this with others with adoption experience. I recently had coffee with Becky’s (Grammy award winning) cousin. I so enjoyed hearing his perspective on life as an adopted child. I greatly value that conversation. It is so great to hear the stories and experiences of others who have grown up adopted and lived in multi-racial families. Other friends have adopted internationally and have helped as they tell their stories. Some stories are difficult, most are redemptive. I am grateful for the chance to listen and learn.
I am grateful as well for the chance to talk about this with others with adoption experience. I recently had coffee with Becky’s (Grammy award winning) cousin. I so enjoyed hearing his perspective on life as an adopted child. I greatly value that conversation. It is so great to hear the stories and experiences of others who have grown up adopted and lived in multi-racial families. Other friends have adopted internationally and have helped as they tell their stories. Some stories are difficult, most are redemptive. I am grateful for the chance to listen and learn.
So, to all of you, thank you! We are grateful for your stories. They matter. They matter to us. And as we
continue on this journey, don’t be surprised if we come and ask a few more
questions along the way.
As we have discussed the adoption with our boys, we have shared the fact that while this new sibling will not look like all of us, he or she will share brown eyes with Micah. Micah especially thinks it's pretty cool that he will share something special with his new sibling. Hopefully, his sibling will too.
