Headaches and Bills - The Certainties of Parenting

During our home study, our caseworker asked us, “What do you expect from your adopted child?” Somewhat tongue in cheek, I replied I expect headaches and bills. I was being funny, but the reality is those are about the only guarantees we have with any of our children, whether they become part of our families through adoption or natural birth. Kids have the potential to bring great joy. They will bring heartache and expense. Like death and taxes, that is a certainty.

In the adoption training, a good bit of energy is spent emphasizing that not all adopted children bond with their parents. There are a multitude of reasons for this, including specific trauma experienced by some children prior to their adoptions. Some simply struggle to bond with their new parents. Counselors want potential adoptive parents to understand going in that developing a relationship with an adopted child can be challenging. No matter how much you as a parent pour into the life of your new little one, they may or may not reciprocate.

This past year, Becky roped me into watching the show, Parenthood.  I’ll admit I have been hooked, especially as one of the storylines this season has been the adoption of a child into the Braverman family. At times it has been heartbreaking to watch unreturned love, misunderstanding, hurting kids longing to be loved, the cruel realities of kids, the challenges of cross-cultural communication, and at times, the latent racism of our society. All of these have been hitting rather close to home the last few months. This weeks episode ended with the finalization of the adoption – a joyous moment to which we look forward.

Both in TV and in reality, there are many reminders that this journey is one that will have many bumps and potholes. However, that is true of all kids. An interesting study was published recently trying to track the “happiness” level of singles against those who are married with children. Happiness is undoubtedly difficult to measure. Are we happy staying up all night with sick kids or taking someone to the ER for a broken arm? Are we happy running kids to soccer games and working on homework projects? Are we happy watching the grocery bill grow and knowing that there is no end in sight (and that we are all hiding our heads in the sand when we think about college, cars insurance, etc.).  Would we rather head out for a date night without having to double the cost to pay a babysitter? Would we rather travel at will? Would we rather not own a minivan? If these are the questions, one doesn’t need much of a study to know the answers.

However, if you ask, are we happy watching the boys play together, laugh, run and discover new things? Are we happy when we spend an evening playing a game, watching a sporting event, or talking about life? Are we happy when we give good night hugs and kisses? The results are much different.

I don’t know how to measure who is “happier”. I have single friends who are quite happy – and some who are not. I have married friends who are quite happy – and many who are not. I don’t know that there is much value in making the parenting question one of cost benefit analysis because most of the experience is very difficult to quantify.

I do know that on this path, headaches and bills are guaranteed. However, there is great joy in this journey. The adoption journey is not all that different from the journey of biological birth. Certain aspects are less known – but the reality, kids bring an awful lot of unknown into your life, even when they look and act so much like their parents. There are no guarantees. But there is, it seems great joy.  There may be no guarantees, but it definitely seems worth the risk.

On Christmas Eve, we heard an unexpected message at my parents’ church. Their pastor, who was adopted, shared about the longing for love that is in every orphans’ heart. The reality is, the same longing is in each of us, we all long to know that someone loves us and to have a name – an identity – a sense of belonging to someone, somewhere. I would argue that this is something that both comes from God and is found ultimately in Him. However, it is also a very real, tangible and human reality. In an adoption, love and bonding are not guaranteed. But they are things that we all long for. Our problem – so often – is trying to express that need, and that love in ways that truly reach the other person.

What do we expect from an adoption? What do we expect from any of our children? The only thing we can guarantee is headache and heartache. However, in the process, we hope and we pray that each of our children might know they are loved. We pray that in knowing that, they too will be able to take the risk and learn to love others as well. This is something for which we have been created – and it brings great joy.

A New Tradition: Celebrating Ethiopian Christmas

This year we began what we assume will be an annual tradition of celebrating Ethiopian Christmas. There are several distinctions between the two, beginning with the food which focuses on doro wat and defo dabo bread instead of fruit cake and figgy pudding. Ethiopia clearly wins between those dishes!

In addition, Ethiopian Christmas follows the Orthodox calendar, generally falling on January 7. The Ethiopian calendar is interesting on several fronts. They follow the Julian calendar (as opposed the we Westerners who follow the Gregorian) which consists of 12 months of 30 days followed by a 13^th month of 5-6 days to make up the difference and account for leap year (and explains why Ethiopian Christmas is “usually” on January 7^th). The Ethiopian calendar is also 7 years, five months behind the Gregorian calendar – meaning that it is now the year 2005 in Ethiopia. (Just to make it a little more confusing, they also tell time differently, beginning the day when the sun comes up - so 9am is usually 2:00 - or the second hour after sunrise. It is a logical way to utilize a 24 hour clock, but confusing for the rest of us). 

But today, January 7, 2013 (by the reckoning of the West), is Ethiopian Christmas - a festive day in the Horn of Africa. Called Ganna, Christmas celebrations in Ethiopia focus on enjoying a festive meal, coffee ceremony and fellowship with friends. Apparently a game sort of like field hockey used to be common and is still played in some rural regions - with significant trash talking by the winners. 

Last night we had an Ethiopian friend join us for our Ganna celebration. Becky made three incredible dishes – doro wat  (chicken in sauce), a lentil wat (wat means “sauce" or "stew” and is used to describe many of the dishes eaten with injeera bread) and a chickpea wat. She also made the defo dabo bread – which is very different from injeera. Injeera is a flat bread made with teff flour and has a fermented, sourdough taste to it. The defo dabo bread is a yeast bread, and has several spices including ajwain, coriander and black cumin seeds. It is also called giant bread because the recipe we had made a two-pound loaf – and was about 1/6 of the full recipe. Traditionally, it is backed in a huge round clay pot. It is quite yummy.

Our friend, who has already become a bit of an Ethiopian “auntie” to our boys, also brought three dishes including a spicy doro wat, a dish with collard greens and another chickpea wat.  If you have never eaten Ethiopian food, it is often served on a large family platter. You use the injeera bread to dip and scoop the various stews, meats and vegetables. Everyone eats with their hands – or as one Ethiopian friend of mine says, “today we will eat with the utensils God gave us” (spoken as he holds up his hands).  At our meal, everything was delicious. The Internet, a trip or two to the Indian grocery store for exotic spices, and my wife can cook some great Ethiopian food.

In addition to the food, our friend brought green coffee beans that she roasted in a pan. We ground the hot beans and enjoyed wonderful Ethiopian coffee from a traditional clay pot. I would argue that Ethiopians both originated coffee and have created one of the more enjoyable social customs for its consumption. BTW - click here for a great video book report on the legend of the dancing goat).  The boys loved the incense, which is often burned as part of the coffee ceremony.

The evening concluded with an introductory lesson to Amharic – the language of Ethiopia, which became a little less daunting as we learned how the “vowel” endings combine with the consonants, producing an alphabet chart with hundreds of characters. However, there are only two dozen main characters, the rest are variations based on the vowels. Maybe there is hope for learning the language.

As we wait for Customs and Immigration to process the next phase of our paperwork, we are grateful for the chance to build a family tradition, celebrating Christmas with an Ethiopian friend and with wonderful food. (This was actually our second Ethiopian meal of the weekend, as we also went to an Ethiopian restaurant in Milwaukee with some friends – great time, great food – and all the kids love the idea of eating with their hands.”). Praying the family expands for next year’s Ethiopian Christmas.