During our home study, our caseworker asked us, “What do you
expect from your adopted child?” Somewhat tongue in cheek, I replied I expect
headaches and bills. I was being funny, but the reality is those are about the only
guarantees we have with any of our children, whether they become part of our
families through adoption or natural birth. Kids have the potential to bring
great joy. They will bring heartache and expense. Like death and taxes, that is
a certainty.
In the adoption training, a good bit of energy is spent
emphasizing that not all adopted children bond with their parents. There are a
multitude of reasons for this, including specific trauma experienced by some
children prior to their adoptions. Some simply struggle to bond with their new
parents. Counselors want potential adoptive parents to understand going in that
developing a relationship with an adopted child can be challenging. No matter
how much you as a parent pour into the life of your new little one, they may or
may not reciprocate.
This past year, Becky roped me into watching the show, Parenthood. I’ll admit I have been hooked, especially as one
of the storylines this season has been the adoption of a child into the
Braverman family. At times it has been heartbreaking to watch unreturned love,
misunderstanding, hurting kids longing to be loved, the cruel realities of
kids, the challenges of cross-cultural communication, and at times, the latent
racism of our society. All of these have been hitting rather close to home the
last few months. This weeks episode ended with the finalization of the adoption
– a joyous moment to which we look forward.
Both in TV and in reality, there are many reminders that
this journey is one that will have many bumps and potholes. However, that is
true of all kids. An interesting study was published recently trying to track
the “happiness” level of singles against those who are married with children. Happiness
is undoubtedly difficult to measure. Are we happy staying up all night with
sick kids or taking someone to the ER for a broken arm? Are we happy running
kids to soccer games and working on homework projects? Are we happy watching
the grocery bill grow and knowing that there is no end in sight (and that we
are all hiding our heads in the sand when we think about college, cars
insurance, etc.). Would we rather head
out for a date night without having to double the cost to pay a babysitter?
Would we rather travel at will? Would we rather not own a minivan? If these are
the questions, one doesn’t need much of a study to know the answers.
However, if you ask, are we happy watching the boys play
together, laugh, run and discover new things? Are we happy when we spend an
evening playing a game, watching a sporting event, or talking about life? Are
we happy when we give good night hugs and kisses? The results are much
different.
I don’t know how to measure who is “happier”. I have single
friends who are quite happy – and some who are not. I have married friends who
are quite happy – and many who are not. I don’t know that there is much value
in making the parenting question one of cost benefit analysis because most of
the experience is very difficult to quantify.
I do know that on this path, headaches and bills are
guaranteed. However, there is great joy in this journey. The adoption journey
is not all that different from the journey of biological birth. Certain aspects
are less known – but the reality, kids bring an awful lot of unknown into your
life, even when they look and act so much like their parents. There are no guarantees.
But there is, it seems great joy. There
may be no guarantees, but it definitely seems worth the risk.
On Christmas Eve, we heard an unexpected message at my
parents’ church. Their pastor, who was adopted, shared about the longing for
love that is in every orphans’ heart. The reality is, the same longing is in
each of us, we all long to know that someone loves us and to have a name – an
identity – a sense of belonging to someone, somewhere. I would argue that this
is something that both comes from God and is found ultimately in Him. However,
it is also a very real, tangible and human reality. In an adoption, love and
bonding are not guaranteed. But they are things that we all long for. Our
problem – so often – is trying to express that need, and that love in ways that
truly reach the other person.
What do we expect from an adoption? What do we expect from
any of our children? The only thing we can guarantee is headache and heartache.
However, in the process, we hope and we pray that each of our children might
know they are loved. We pray that in knowing that, they too will be able to
take the risk and learn to love others as well. This is something for which we
have been created – and it brings great joy.
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