Dossier to Ethiopia - the waiting officially begins

Today marks our “Dossier to Ethiopia” date – or DTE in international adoption lingo. This also marks the official start of the “wait.” Up until now, we have completed dozens of government forms, had our lives, finances, home and family scrutinized. We have filled out forms, secured notary signatures and paid dozens of fees. But we have not yet been “waiting.” As of today, we are officially “waiting.”

Outside the AWAA Transition
Home in Addis Ababa

It also struck me that it was just over a year ago, on a trip to Ethiopia, that I visited the transition home for adopted children for America World, our adoption agency. On that visit I was impressed with the facilities and care for dozens of orphan children who were awaiting their adoptions. Rows of little beds reminded me of an illustration out of Snow White. As I entered the compound, I met a pair of 12 year old boys were playing checkers on a homemade board using bottle caps for pieces. They were eager to say hello and wanted to know if I was there to adopt a baby or would our family consider an older child. The children were in good health. They had good medical care at the facility. It clearly was in a better place than many of the stories I had heard from some adoptive families about the orphanages they had visited.

That visit was a marker at the beginning of our journey toward adoption. Now a year later, we have finally received word that our dossier is in Ethiopia – and we can officially begin “waiting.”

Family at Tikal

Last week, our whole family travelled to Guatemala to spend Easter week with Becky’s brother Jeff, who is working with the microfinance group Kiva here in Guatemala (I say here, because I am still in Guatemala conducting research for my PhD while Becky and the boys have returned home). This was the boys’ first time to travel outside of the country. Our trip was amazing – we were able to see so many things in the country: participate in the ministry of Hope Renewed in Guatemala City, visit picturesque Lake Attitlan, witness the Good Friday processions in the city of Antigua, and witness the sunrise on Easter over the jungle from atop a temple in the Mayan ruins of Tikal. It was incredible.

One of our stops with Hope Renewed was at an orphanage. We visited in part because our friend Jason has a son living at the orphanage. Jason founded Hope Renewed in part because of many trips to Guatemala during their own adoption processes. They have two adopted children from Guatemala living with them in Chicago. A third child, now 14, remains in Guatemala, however, because international adoptions from Guatemala were outlawed some 5 years ago. As a result, hundreds and hundreds of children in Guatemala and foreign adoptive families are “stuck.”

Uncle Jeff at the orphanage in Guatemala

As we visited the orphanage, we met dozens of children, eager to play and to be hugged. As we walked around their very well kept facility, I could not help but wonder if our child is already in a place like this. As we wait for the red tape of adoption bureaucracy to slowly unwind, is he or she sitting in a room, surrounded by others, longing for a family? Perhaps our child has not yet been born.

Waiting on a child who might be anywhere from birth to 5 years old makes for an interesting mind game of preparation.

Having our DTE date in hand is a wonderful step. Now we wait and pray.

Thanks for joining us in the wait and the journey. 

Costly Love - thoughts on the high cost of international adoption

International adoption is not cheap. In fact, it is quite costly. Fees are paid to secure paperwork; fees are paid to you home study organization; it requires international travel; and quite a bit of money also goes to the international adoption agency. As you get involved with the process, you can’t help but ask, “Why does it cost so much?”

The shortest answer is that international adoption is complicated. We have already experienced this first hand through the myriad of paperwork (which is now completed. Yea!). Anything that involves multiple nations, organizations –and lawyers – is expensive. Given the total cost it is easy to bemoan the financial burden. However, there is also good reason to pay for this process.

On March 2, CNN ran another article about the level of corruption sometimes found in international adoption. According to the article, nations with a combination of high birthrates and high poverty rates lead to many children abandoned and orphaned, in need of adoption. As international adoptions increase in a country, a number of malevolent entities often surface as well. While virtually all adoptive families are just like ours – longing to raise this child in a loving home – there is a small group of people who see a large profit. Human trafficking is a real danger in the international adoption world. Stories are told of teenage girls offered a couple hundred dollars to give birth to a child so these traffickers can adopt them out. In addition, not all “orphans” are without parents. It is not uncommon for some children to be left at orphanages because parents cannot afford to care for another child. They want to see their child survive, but not necessarily depart for a foreign land.

Reputable agencies take considerable care to make sure the children placed for adoption are truly orphans. Governments, especially those from Hague compliant nations, have added layers of care to ensure the same. This adds cost and time to the process – and heartache for waiting parents. Without a doubt, corruption enters the process in some places. This has led to an adoption moratorium in places like Guatemala. One reason the process in Ethiopia has slowed so much is a commitment to better diligence to ensure that things are done well and legally. The adoptive family pays for this increased expense. However, given what is at stake, this is a worthwhile cost.

International adoption agencies care for orphans long before they are adopted. Listening to a few stories by adoptive parents, the degree of care varies considerably across agencies and across countries. Last year, as we were praying about beginning this journey, I had the opportunity to visit the transition home of the agency with which we are now working. I was quite impressed with the level of care, the status of the home, and the health of the kids. My experience that day differed considerably from the stories of a few others I heard, even later that day, of facilities that were run down, dirty, and children who were not receiving adequate medical care. Caring for the kids in the agency’s adoptive system are a worthwhile cost.

The truth is, the cost and the time are significant headaches and hurdles in the adoption process. These children long for a family and many loving families long to adopt. Most days the process feels tedious and in the way. We so wish it were simpler – and cheaper. Yet this is not a road chosen for expedience. It is a costly road. And we continue to move down it.

Thanks for reading and joining us in this journey (and for reading as I also convince myself why the wait and cost have value).

Interested to help?   As we move through the adoption process, several have asked how anyone can afford adoption. Savings, selling, borrowing are all part of the journey. Our adoption agency, America World, does make it possible to give toward our family’s adoption. If you would like to help us you can use the link below. In the “notes” field include our name and the Eternal Family Program.

https://www.awaa.org/forms/payment.aspx

Eye Color and Becoming a Multi-racial Family

Our first two biological children were born with blue eyes. Not shocking given that 3 of 4 grandparents have them. When Micah, our third, was born with deep brown eyes, we felt general parental pride in the beauty of our child, but we did not think much about it. However, as we began this journey of adoption, we realized that while this child born in Ethiopia will not look like mom and dad in most respects, he or she will share one special trait with their brother, two of our children will have brown eyes. 

Thinking about adopting a child from a different racial background has been one more area of much thought and prayer in this process. On the one hand, adopting a child from another culture immediately solves the question of whether or not this child will know they are adopted. Becky and I don’t look Ethiopian. Our child will very quickly know they don’t look like mom and dad. In some ways, that can be great. Adoption will always be an obvious part of his or her story.

On the other hand, becoming a multi-racial family is kind of a big deal. Both Becky and I have backgrounds in social science and have read a number of books on race and identity. Race still plays a big role in North American society. We already have many friends from all over the world. We love going to the grocery store and hearing five to six languages and the rich multi-cultural environment in which we live. In some respects, we are well prepared.

 But, there are things a couple of white, middle class suburbanites have never known first hand. I mentioned in the last blog, that my wife hooked me on the show Parenthood.  Among the several story lines that hit close to home, one is about a mutli-racial family. In one episode, the white father attempts to explain the use of certain racial terms to his young son. His wife, who is black, does not think his explanation was good enough because, as a white male, he doesn’t "get it". I remember thinking that night, that is going to be our life soon. There are things my child will experience that I will never "get". There are dynamics of a racialized society that I have never had to face. That reality will now be a part of our family life.

Most of the things that will happen will be out of (well-intended?) ignorance. There will be the moment when a parent on the playground can’t believe a mother would let their child play all alone, not realizing Becky is right there, watching our Ethiopian child.  There will be looks of surprise when we come to pick up the little boy or girl with the dark skin from school, church or childcare. The boys will be asked if that is their sister or brother - or where there "real" brothers are (as if an adopted child is somehow make believe). Simple things like getting haircuts and lotions will undoubtedly stretch our experience. At some point, there will very likely be some much uglier things that are said or will happen as well. That is life in a fallen world.

Thorough adoption, we are becoming a multi-racial family. It is the reality for all  (soon to be) six of us. There will be fun and hilarious moments. There will be challenging moments. There will be sad and ugly moments. We will strive to walk through them all with grace. 

We are hungry to learn from the experiences of others about racial identity. A friend from our kids’ school wrote her dissertation on racial identity in kids. I have warned her that I will be asking questions. I'm grateful for children's books on adoption that recognize the reality of multi-racial families. I'm thankful that we have friends from all over the world. I'm thankful we have friends who have multi-racial families. What a blessing that our child will look around and see other families that look like theirs.

I am grateful as well for the chance to talk about this with others with adoption experience. I recently had coffee with Becky’s (Grammy award winning) cousin. I so enjoyed hearing his perspective on life as an adopted child. I greatly value that conversation. It is so great to hear the stories and experiences of others who have grown up adopted and lived in multi-racial families. Other friends have adopted internationally and have helped as they tell their stories. Some stories are difficult, most are redemptive. I am grateful for the chance to listen and learn.

So, to all of you, thank you! We are grateful for your stories. They matter. They matter to us. And as we continue on this journey, don’t be surprised if we come and ask a few more questions along the way.

As we have discussed the adoption with our boys, we have shared the fact that while this new sibling will not look like all of us, he or she will share brown eyes with Micah. Micah especially thinks it's pretty cool that he will share something special with his new sibling. Hopefully, his sibling will too.

Headaches and Bills - The Certainties of Parenting

During our home study, our caseworker asked us, “What do you expect from your adopted child?” Somewhat tongue in cheek, I replied I expect headaches and bills. I was being funny, but the reality is those are about the only guarantees we have with any of our children, whether they become part of our families through adoption or natural birth. Kids have the potential to bring great joy. They will bring heartache and expense. Like death and taxes, that is a certainty.

In the adoption training, a good bit of energy is spent emphasizing that not all adopted children bond with their parents. There are a multitude of reasons for this, including specific trauma experienced by some children prior to their adoptions. Some simply struggle to bond with their new parents. Counselors want potential adoptive parents to understand going in that developing a relationship with an adopted child can be challenging. No matter how much you as a parent pour into the life of your new little one, they may or may not reciprocate.

This past year, Becky roped me into watching the show, Parenthood.  I’ll admit I have been hooked, especially as one of the storylines this season has been the adoption of a child into the Braverman family. At times it has been heartbreaking to watch unreturned love, misunderstanding, hurting kids longing to be loved, the cruel realities of kids, the challenges of cross-cultural communication, and at times, the latent racism of our society. All of these have been hitting rather close to home the last few months. This weeks episode ended with the finalization of the adoption – a joyous moment to which we look forward.

Both in TV and in reality, there are many reminders that this journey is one that will have many bumps and potholes. However, that is true of all kids. An interesting study was published recently trying to track the “happiness” level of singles against those who are married with children. Happiness is undoubtedly difficult to measure. Are we happy staying up all night with sick kids or taking someone to the ER for a broken arm? Are we happy running kids to soccer games and working on homework projects? Are we happy watching the grocery bill grow and knowing that there is no end in sight (and that we are all hiding our heads in the sand when we think about college, cars insurance, etc.).  Would we rather head out for a date night without having to double the cost to pay a babysitter? Would we rather travel at will? Would we rather not own a minivan? If these are the questions, one doesn’t need much of a study to know the answers.

However, if you ask, are we happy watching the boys play together, laugh, run and discover new things? Are we happy when we spend an evening playing a game, watching a sporting event, or talking about life? Are we happy when we give good night hugs and kisses? The results are much different.

I don’t know how to measure who is “happier”. I have single friends who are quite happy – and some who are not. I have married friends who are quite happy – and many who are not. I don’t know that there is much value in making the parenting question one of cost benefit analysis because most of the experience is very difficult to quantify.

I do know that on this path, headaches and bills are guaranteed. However, there is great joy in this journey. The adoption journey is not all that different from the journey of biological birth. Certain aspects are less known – but the reality, kids bring an awful lot of unknown into your life, even when they look and act so much like their parents. There are no guarantees. But there is, it seems great joy.  There may be no guarantees, but it definitely seems worth the risk.

On Christmas Eve, we heard an unexpected message at my parents’ church. Their pastor, who was adopted, shared about the longing for love that is in every orphans’ heart. The reality is, the same longing is in each of us, we all long to know that someone loves us and to have a name – an identity – a sense of belonging to someone, somewhere. I would argue that this is something that both comes from God and is found ultimately in Him. However, it is also a very real, tangible and human reality. In an adoption, love and bonding are not guaranteed. But they are things that we all long for. Our problem – so often – is trying to express that need, and that love in ways that truly reach the other person.

What do we expect from an adoption? What do we expect from any of our children? The only thing we can guarantee is headache and heartache. However, in the process, we hope and we pray that each of our children might know they are loved. We pray that in knowing that, they too will be able to take the risk and learn to love others as well. This is something for which we have been created – and it brings great joy.

A New Tradition: Celebrating Ethiopian Christmas

This year we began what we assume will be an annual tradition of celebrating Ethiopian Christmas. There are several distinctions between the two, beginning with the food which focuses on doro wat and defo dabo bread instead of fruit cake and figgy pudding. Ethiopia clearly wins between those dishes!

In addition, Ethiopian Christmas follows the Orthodox calendar, generally falling on January 7. The Ethiopian calendar is interesting on several fronts. They follow the Julian calendar (as opposed the we Westerners who follow the Gregorian) which consists of 12 months of 30 days followed by a 13^th month of 5-6 days to make up the difference and account for leap year (and explains why Ethiopian Christmas is “usually” on January 7^th). The Ethiopian calendar is also 7 years, five months behind the Gregorian calendar – meaning that it is now the year 2005 in Ethiopia. (Just to make it a little more confusing, they also tell time differently, beginning the day when the sun comes up - so 9am is usually 2:00 - or the second hour after sunrise. It is a logical way to utilize a 24 hour clock, but confusing for the rest of us). 

But today, January 7, 2013 (by the reckoning of the West), is Ethiopian Christmas - a festive day in the Horn of Africa. Called Ganna, Christmas celebrations in Ethiopia focus on enjoying a festive meal, coffee ceremony and fellowship with friends. Apparently a game sort of like field hockey used to be common and is still played in some rural regions - with significant trash talking by the winners. 

Last night we had an Ethiopian friend join us for our Ganna celebration. Becky made three incredible dishes – doro wat  (chicken in sauce), a lentil wat (wat means “sauce" or "stew” and is used to describe many of the dishes eaten with injeera bread) and a chickpea wat. She also made the defo dabo bread – which is very different from injeera. Injeera is a flat bread made with teff flour and has a fermented, sourdough taste to it. The defo dabo bread is a yeast bread, and has several spices including ajwain, coriander and black cumin seeds. It is also called giant bread because the recipe we had made a two-pound loaf – and was about 1/6 of the full recipe. Traditionally, it is backed in a huge round clay pot. It is quite yummy.

Our friend, who has already become a bit of an Ethiopian “auntie” to our boys, also brought three dishes including a spicy doro wat, a dish with collard greens and another chickpea wat.  If you have never eaten Ethiopian food, it is often served on a large family platter. You use the injeera bread to dip and scoop the various stews, meats and vegetables. Everyone eats with their hands – or as one Ethiopian friend of mine says, “today we will eat with the utensils God gave us” (spoken as he holds up his hands).  At our meal, everything was delicious. The Internet, a trip or two to the Indian grocery store for exotic spices, and my wife can cook some great Ethiopian food.

In addition to the food, our friend brought green coffee beans that she roasted in a pan. We ground the hot beans and enjoyed wonderful Ethiopian coffee from a traditional clay pot. I would argue that Ethiopians both originated coffee and have created one of the more enjoyable social customs for its consumption. BTW - click here for a great video book report on the legend of the dancing goat).  The boys loved the incense, which is often burned as part of the coffee ceremony.

The evening concluded with an introductory lesson to Amharic – the language of Ethiopia, which became a little less daunting as we learned how the “vowel” endings combine with the consonants, producing an alphabet chart with hundreds of characters. However, there are only two dozen main characters, the rest are variations based on the vowels. Maybe there is hope for learning the language.

As we wait for Customs and Immigration to process the next phase of our paperwork, we are grateful for the chance to build a family tradition, celebrating Christmas with an Ethiopian friend and with wonderful food. (This was actually our second Ethiopian meal of the weekend, as we also went to an Ethiopian restaurant in Milwaukee with some friends – great time, great food – and all the kids love the idea of eating with their hands.”). Praying the family expands for next year’s Ethiopian Christmas.